I guess it was too good to last. It all started to go wrong about three weeks ago. GB had been working in Cumbria for about a monthat this point, and obviously this was, and still is, a bit of a strain for both of us, as we only see eachother at the weekend.

Well by this time he'd been away for long enough to be really wearing me down. I felt like he didn't want to spend time with me, which may have been a bit paranoid, but I was re-arranging my life to give him all my time at the weekend, and I felt he wasn't doing that for me - he was even scheduling work, which I tried to understand(he had lots of debts, bailliffs turning up etc), but it still niggled me.

The final straw was that every night he'd fall asleep about 9pm. This wasn't his usual thing at all. On top of that he'd been having trouble getting/maintaining an erection on and off since before he'd gone to work away. He'd told me it wasn't to do with me, except that he'd worry that I thought he didn't fancy me, and that would make things worse etc etc. So I was feeling a bit fragile in general about things. When it worked, the sex was as good as ever, but at the back of my mind I'd be wondering 'is it gonna be ok this time', and I know he was too.

Two weekends ago it all came to a head on the Friday, because I couldn't understand why he was so tired. I asked him if it was something he was taking. He said, 'like what?' I said, 'like diazepam', because he's taken it before. He went off on one saying I didn't have a physical job, I didn't have to drive for four hours home. I pointed out he got a lift, and when I do drive I don't crash out at 9pm, and that my job is now far more physical because I'm three days a week with learning disabilities now.

It all escalated from there, I accused him of deliberately sleeping to avoid me (I know, I know!), of not paying me much attention and of not fancying me. Then I threw him out.

By about 2am he'd talked his way back. The next morning he was really offhand with me, and I told him to go for good.

That evening I was round at S's, having a drink and a cry, as you do. He phoned to say he wanted to sort things out, so I met him over at mine. We made it up, and went to sleep with everything being ok. So now I'll let my diary take over:

Monday 2nd June 2008
What would I do without ‘Friends’? On a horrible night, it has made me laugh out loud, something I never thought could happen when I’m feeling so alone, so heartbroken.

Is it my own fault? Did I really mess with GB’s head so much that he doesn’t know what he thinks anymore? Or has he found someone else? Or is he back on smack? Could be any, all, or none of them. All I know is that on Sunday, when he’d not been able to get a hard-on again, I was only looking for reassurance when I asked him, ‘is this what you really want?’ My life fell to the floor and shattered when he answered, ‘I don’t know’.

So what was there to do? I had to tell him to go away and think about it – and to not contact me until he was sure, one way or the other. I told him there was no rush – but I never dreamed it would take him as long as this to decide.

I know it is for the best, and that if you love someone you have to let them go. If it’s love, they’ll come back to you, if they don’t, you were never meant to be together anyway (thank you, ‘Indecent Proposal’). And I don’t want to be like his ex, having him back time and time again for four years, then having him leave anyway when someone better came along.
I can only assume that he treated her the same, always said it was her that he truly loved etc etc. All the lies he’s told me. I don’t want them to be lies, I want them to be the truth.

But what can I do? Stop eating, because I feel sick when I consider the fact that he may not want me? Spend every waking hour with him in the back of my mind? I do both those things. But I also get on with my life, go to work, try to give the best I can to it, ‘cos if I stop for one moment then I might break down and cry.

And I can watch TV and laugh, and write my diary. Because I’ve written words like this before, about men I’m now over, and that reminds me that one day I’ll be fine. Whatever happens.

Monday 3rd June
In hindsight I’m not sure I can express the awfulness of this day: now it’s all over and I realise I should never have doubted the love GB has for me.

The whole of the work day was horrible, I was waiting and waiting for a phone call or text (the one that hadn’t come yesterday), but nothing was happening. On top of that I was tired from lack of sleep yesterday – couldn’t sleep til about 2am, woke at 7 ish. For all my jokes about ‘the split-up diet’ I was feeling terrible.

By the time I’d got my son in bed I was desperate and just wanted to know if it was over one way or the other. So I texted. He texted back, and I texted how bad I felt about things. He didn’t reply, and when I phoned I didn’t know if his phone was off or if he was avoiding me. After another text I waited an hour and phoned again. He answered. Eventually, through really bad reception, I asked how he was thinking. He said he wanted to be with me, loved me and so on, but didn’t want it to be awkward like it had been on Sunday.

So we’ve decided to try again. I’m out on Friday, so I better not get too drunk. I want it to work out for us, so much.

He tells me not to worry. I’ll really try.

Wednesday 4th June
What a difference a day makes.....

I waited all day for him to call, then called him about 6.30. But he didn’t reply, and hasn’t although I’ve called a few times since, and texted, so he knows I’m worried and am willing to accept that it is over, if he’d just tell me. It’s now 8.30 ish and still no contact. It can’t even be that he’s lost his phone cause I think he knows my number by heart.
I wish I knew what was going on. It is the not knowing that is so horrible. Why is he doing this?

Later
He phoned, apparently he’d left his phone in the caravan to charge. He still says he loves me – after I said it – but something seems different. I can’t put my finger on it. I’ve tried to give him a get-out, and he’s not taken it. At the same time he tells me not to be paranoid. But then he’s over at the doctor’s doing a piss-test on Fri – why, when he isn’t due a script til next Fri?

All I can do is wait and hope. I don’t dare phone him tomorrow. I had to ask him to, so I feel needy anyway.

If I get chatted up on Fri, I am keeping my options open!

Thursday 5th June
This morning, despite all I thought last night, I texted GB saying morning, and hoped it was sunny where he was and that he had a nice day. After thought, I put three kisses. I was really chuffed when he almost straight away phoned me back. He was really nice on the phone, chatty and loving. He even said ‘I love you’ first, which was really reassuring, given the circumstances. So I’m ok so far this evening. And will be until 9, when he usually phones. Then I’ll get tense if he phones a bit late, but I won’t show it. Must be cool til 10 at least. Then only one phonecall allowed (because when things were ok that’s what I would have done), and then leave it. After all, he’s back tomorrow....