GB was back only just in time to see me before I went out with S and N, we were due to go to a Robbie Williams Tribute nite (don't ask). I was really touched that he came round to S's to see me, ans everything was really fine, we were all over eachother, really happy.
We went to the Robbie thing by taxi as it was a way away. It turned out to be in a hotel on an industrial estate (!), and N immediately buggered off to talk to these women we don't like (and who she bitches about constantly). They were insinuating that we hadn't paid, and so we went over to drink our wine away from them while they sorted things out (we HAD paid, or we wouldn't have gone - N had thought it was at a hotel down the road from us, but it was at a similarly named one elsewhere). Then N wandered off into the do with the nasty women, and we were well cheesed off. So we caught a taxi and buggered off back to our town!
Back there, it did occur to me to call GB, but I figured we should still have a girls' night, and he should still have his night out as planned. So we called H instead. As it was, GB wandered past the pub we were sitting in, but didn't see us, he was texting.
Later that evening he met up wiht us, and we got on really well again, went home, had fantastic animal sex and were chatting, justabout to fall asleep when I asked him if he was ok. For some reason he said he'd been doing heroin. I wanted to know who he'd got it from, and he said it had been a one-off thing, and why did I want to know? I said because I did. He told me it was someone called Chris that I didn't know.
I decided to leave it at that, and we went to sleep, not happy, but ok with eachother, I didn't want everything ruined again over a one-off.
Saturday morning he got up about midday and went home. This is one of the things that had me suspicious, 'cos normally he gets up at 7 to have his methadone and then goes back to sleep. He didn't do this at all.
But we met up later and had a really nice day, he was very loving, very attentive, and we were really happy.
Sunday we were going to go to town to get some CDs. Again he didn't bother getting up early for his methadone. He was finishing off a wall then walking the dog, so I said I'd pop over and join him when I was ready. I had a freeview box I no longer needed , and he doesn't have digital, so I thought he'd like it.
About 2pm I took it over. He was still working on the wall but nearly finished, so I said I'd wait while he finished then walk the dog with him, then we'd go out. He was a bit shirty about giving me the key, but eventually did.
When I got up there I saw he'd left his mobile out. I know I shouldn't, but he'd been acting weird, is always checking my phone, so I thought I was entitled. There were a few messages from 'Lauren'. Nothing incriminating, but at strange times of night.
When he came up, I asked him who Lauren was. His face was a picture of shock and horror. He said he gets heroin from her. He insisted they weren't involved (and apart from one x at the end of a message, there was nothing to indicate they were, the messages dated up to Friday), that he just got drugs from her. He's been back on it for - guess what? - three weeks. He saud two, but I know damn well that I'd had my suspicions for three. He's been smoking it, and thinks he's incontrol. I've seen through my brother and an ex that you never control it: it gradually sucks you in until you don't care about anyone or anything else but your next fix.
I tried to point out that if he was in charge of it he'd be able to miss the toot he'd been planning on before he met me. He said why should he, but I know that's an excuse. He's hooked.
I didn't know what to think, and still don't. He insists he still loves me, has no feelings for this Lauren, still wants us to be together etc etc. He says he didn't take anything last week which is why his piss-test was ok, but I know his surgery is rubbish at security and the clean methodone users sell their urine to those who are still using H. He's sold his before.
I'm in two minds about grassing him up to his doctor. I feel like my allegiance is to him, but I wonder if he would be better off if he was shopped. Part of me actively blames the surgery for never cutting his methadone. But he would hate me for it, and what would it achieve?
My gut feeling is that there's no relationship with Lauren, but another thing I know is that junkies flock to people who don't criticise their lifestyle, so I'm not happy about that either.
We talked about it a lot last night, and I do think he does love me, and I think some of the problem is that he uses H to feel safe, so he started doing it when he was away from home and things began to go wrong between us.
Today we've spoken a lot, and I don't think he's planning on going to the place where the hated Lauren lives. I'm getting he number this weekend - didn't have chance to do it last one. That's another thing, he'd been keeping his mobile close, which isn't like him. Usually he wants me to look after it for him.
So we'll see what happens. He knows I need a lot of reassurance after all that's happened, and so far he's done that. I just want him back here with me.
The difficult thing is that heroin users act like two-timers - secretive, underhand, furtive. He could be having an affiar, but why wouldn't he finish with me? I've given him so many opportunities, told him to tell me and I'll be fine (I won't, but he doesn't know that) and we can part amicably. He insists he wants to be with me, laughs at the thought of wanting anyone else, but it's still at the very back secretive corner of my mind.
I want him, and I want him to be only mine, not hers, and not heroin's
