How very odd, today I feel absolutely fine for some reason. Part of the reason is that instead of seeing 19 year old Ben, I broke it off before it began. I knew it would have been a rebound thing, and no point getting other people hurt.
Sue just texted asking me how it had gone. I said 'couldn't do it. Doesn't matter how young and nice he is, he's not Steve.' Which is it in a nutshell I guess. Since I can't have him, I don't want anyone, I just want to get on with my own thing.
So maybe having decided that is the reason I feel so much better. I'm able to not think about it for hours at a time - helped by the fact work was pretty manic this morning.
Or maybe it's just a blip. When I woke up this morning, after those first few seconds of feeling ok, I was devastated when I remembered. But then the calm descended. Or maybe it's because my period's just started!
Whatever, I do feel now like it will be ok. I will be ok. I've been here before, and I'm not upset about Jonathan or David (either of them) now. There'll surely be a day when I wonder what the hell I was doing with Steve.
And it makes it easier that he was so horrible for the last few weeks. I feel like that's better off done with. I'm learning not to think about the good times too much, because that upsets me. As does thinking that we were meant to be together. If we were, we still would be!!
