After the low point yesterday, I'm on the up again. I got an email from an Australian friend who was here when me and Steve first got together, so she is pretty horrified at what has happened. She says:

I think Steve chose heroin over you more than he chose
Lauren over you. Lauren didn't know he was a junkie
and therefore he could get away with more (and she was
a lot younger and wouldn't question his strange
behaviour). You knew about his addiction, knew what
caused the strange behaviours, etc and he knew that he
could no longer get away with it with you.

I think that it is his nature to lie, cheat and do
drugs - at least until he kicks his habit which from
all accounts, he is in no rush to do. He lied to his
ex-girlfriend, and he has lied to you. He will lie to
the next and even the next.

You need to gather up your strength and get back your
fighting spirit. I think you lost something of
yourself and your strength when things started to go
bad with Steve. You allowed yourself to be put in a
position of submission and waiting on his every move,
call and word. Time for you to move on and find
something better. Use the energy you spent on Steve
on your son instead. You certainly don't need to go
finding another guy at the moment! Find yourself
first.

She knows me really well, it is just what I was thinking really.

Last night I dreamed about Steve, just a 'normal life' thing where we were on holiday and he invited a dodgy tramp to come to our caravan. I woke up and didn't cry or anything, felt absolutely fine, because obviously in the dream I'd been really annoyed with him. That was what it was like.

On the way to work (long drive) I was fumbling in my glove box for a tape and found an old 'break-up' tape - songs that remind me of blokes and break-ups from the eighties/early nineties. Really good move because it reminded me of how upset I'd been over some of them: certainly much more upset than over Steve really, because I wasn't in such a good place with the rest of my life I suppose. And now I only remember the good bits, not how it felt when we finished.

So I was in a really good mood all morning, then when I went to hydrotherapy it all changed, and it was all I could do not to cry, because for some reason I kept on dwelling in my head on what he'd done, and wondering if he loved me still, ever or never had. By the end of the session though I'd pulled myself out of it. I'm ok, I have loads on at the moment, and it makes me feel a lot better to concentrate on the here and now, on the things I'm up to on my social life and so on, and not think about the good times we had, or the horrible break up.

I think part of the problem is that I worry about him. I still love him, and I don't want him to die, or end up in a terrible state in a bush somewhere or whatever. But at the same time I don't want to get in contact with him because I'm not ready for that (and don't know if I ever will be). That was what set me off on the hydro downer initially - I usually phone him during my long lunch break before hydro.

His family remond me that he is a survivor, and nothing seems to kill him. My sister-in-law this morning though was saying she wouldn't be surprised if he committed suicide. Can't say I would be either. But I mean it when I say I wouldn't feel guilty, because it would be nothing to do with me.

Anyway, gotta stop blathering on and change my bedclothes, cos they still smell of him (even though he only slept there one night) and I'm ready to lose that now.