I woke up really early and just lay in Steve's arms watching him sleep and listening to him snore, the way I've done on and off for 18 months. But I was conscious that this was going to be the last time, so I tried to remember everything, from the curl of his eyelashes to the smell of his breath.

I tried to wake him at nine, as he'd asked, but he refused to get up, saying he wanted to have a lie in. At ten I got up and got ready for the barbecue. At 11 I told him he had to get up because I was leaving. He said I was bound to be reporting back to Lauren. I asked him if he remembered what we'd talked about last night, and he said he did, but I'm not so sure. I said I's promised not to tell her and I wouldn't.

I dropped him home on the way to the barbecue, and had a good day there seeing all the family. I slept over, and hadn't really had any sleep for 36-odd hours, so I was asleep when Lauren texted me at 9.30-ish. She was saying she was thinking of taking my advice and not bothering with Steve. I texted back, 'he likes you and he wants to make a go of it up there, so maybe you should.' She texted that she would have a think and would let me know if I was right if she did decide to let him into her life. I wished her luck, and said at least she knew some things about what he might be like.

I then texted Steve to let him know about the exchange, and said I hoped that proved he could trust me not to tell.

About 10 minutes later Lauren texted again saying she was in Newcastle for the weekend, but might take me up on that talk I'd offered when she got back. I texted that I'd be here if she wanted to talk ever. I didn't tell Steve cos he hadn't responded to my last text.

I went back to sleep. At 11.30 Steve texted saying, 'ring me', so I did. He wanted to know again why I had been texting Lauren (he was out of it as usual)! I told him the content of the conversation was nothing more than I'd told him, and I'd not texted her, she'd texted me. Why would she do that? How would I know, he'd have to ask her. But I love him, and don't want to ruin things for him, so he could rest assured that I'm not going to mess anything up for him.

He said I would because I want him back. I said 'you really don't remember anything of last night's conversation do you. I don't want you back, even though I love you and you love me.' 'I did love you.' 'No, you love me, and sex with me is better than with Lauren.' He was silent, which said it all. 'You can't tell her, she's jealous of you already'. 'She should be jealous - you are using her to help you make a new life, when really you love me. I've promised you I won't tell her and I won't. But be careful of her feelings, she's very young'

He said he didn't want to hurt her. I said he may not want to, but he hadn't wanted to hurt Carol, and he hadn't wanted to hurt me. He said he was truly, truly sorry for hurting me. I said I forgave him, but he had to learn from what has happened between us that honesty is best.

He said that Lauren had been off with him when she'd picked him up from the station, after first seeming pleased to see him. She'd been going to spend the evening with him but had gone to Newcastle instead. That could only be down to me, and things I'd said, surely!! He then said that he'd been to the pub, and his mate Ricky had come up to him and said 'I dunno what you're on, if you've smoked a spliff or anything, but everyone's talking about you saying you're off your head.' So he'd gone to hide in his caravan. He did not connect this incident with Lauren's behaviour at all!

I said I'd warned him that this would happen and he had to get clean. He said he was going to, he'd not taken the heroin up there, and he wasn't drinking Special Brew. But he said that he'd been clean last week and he wasn't.

He was about to have a drink and a fag, then go for a walk and go back to the pub to see Ricky. Lauren's mum would be there so he wanted to seem ok, he was going to ask them if he could stay with them as he had no quilt in the caravan. I asked what had happened to his sleeping bag. He said they hadn't been able to stop for a toilet break on the motorway, so he'd pissed into two cans and then knocked them over, so he'd had to use the sleeping bag to mop up the mess. How very attractive!

I told him not to do any of this and just go to bed. Otherwise he wuld look like a junkie sponger, because he still sounded like he was shit-faced. He agreed, but then changed his mind.

He wanted to be able to phone me, but he had to be sure I wouldn't poison Lauren. Again I said I wouldn't. He can't get it into his head that I am past that now, now that I know the truth. I think what did my head in was the feeling that he'd never loved me. To know that he still does is a comfort, though to him love is more like, 'what can I get out of that person'!