Yesterday was just a 'normal' Sunday, pretty slow. Signed up to Facebook because my nieces had some pictures they wanted me to see. So then of course I got a bit fished into looking people up and messing about.

Went to bed, and had just dropped off when the phone went. It was Steve.

He was asking me just general stuff, how I was etc, but I could tell something was up, so I asked him what was wrong. He totally broke down crying and said he hadn't wanted to call but he had no one else. He'd been sacked and thrown out of his accomodation. He said the two things were unconnected, but I can guess they were to do with the state he was in on Saturday.

On top of that all his new 'friends' have turned against him, and the whole town are talking about him, making up stories about how he's on drugs - just like where I live!

So he's staying in a hostel 20 miles away, and is trying to get a job today at a local hotel. But even so, he was suicidal. He was also ruminating on how he'd treated me so badly, and didn't deserve for me to be there for him. Then we basically re-ran the conversation we'd had on Friday, but he was being far more transparent, saying things like 'there's nothing about you I don't like', 'you're the only person who has ever understood me,' 'look, that's what I mean, only you would think to say that/would be able to make me laugh right now/would understand without me saying.' He told me he missed me, missed hearing my voice, missed making love with me. Then he began asking me how I felt about him. I told him I loved him and he knew that, but I didn't want him back. He started telling me that he shouldn't be talking this way to me and I'd probably tell Lauren, but he wanted me, not her. I said if there was any telling to do it had to come from him.

Then I turned the conversation to less controversial subjects, and over the course of two hours managed to cheer him up enough to not be worried about him. Then, of course I couldn't sleep for another two hours, til about 3.

He didn't sound as bad as he has been, but he still was forgetting what we'd talked about earlier in the conversation, repeating himself etc.

So I don't know how I feel now. I do love him, I know that and have never doubted it. Yesterday when I was writing my diary a quote from Cathy in Wuthering Heights came into my mind and hasn't shifted since:

"My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff - he's always, always in my mind - not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself - but, as my own being"

That's how I feel about Steve, and how I have pretty much right from the beginning. And I was reminded about what Collar said about how my needs have got lost - it's because of that.

Don't get me wrong, at this point I have no intention of having him back. I'm not even sure he'll feel the same about it today, if things go well, or even if they don't. I know he's not that rational at the moment.

But then I can't help thinking, 'what if he can sort himself out'? Dangerous.

I texted him this morning to see how he was and to wish him luck. He replied he was ok and thanks and how was I? I said I was fine, but couldn't help worrying about him.

So now I'm doing nothing. I'm playing wait and see because I ahve no idea what to do really. I suppose there's no need for me to do anything.