I Want Him Back! (Don't Care what I have to do)

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I Want Him Back! (Don't Care what I have to do)

by whoknows @ 2008-07-01 – 19:04:17

So I've been sat her ereplying to one of Lucrezia'a posts, and I finally knew the answer to the question I've been asking myself the last couple of weeks. Do I want Steve back? Or am I just hanging on in there to piss off Lauren? Or out of concern for him?

Well obviously there's a bit of the last part in my motivation, because I do really love him, pretty unconditionally when push comes to shove: I'd rather he was happy with Lauren than unhappy with me. BUT - I know he's not happy with Lauren. I've heard the way he talks to her, the tone of his voice if not the words. It's how he used to sound with his ex. It's how he sounded with me the times he was really vexed with me. It's not how he usually sounds and sounded with me - it lacks the softness of tone.

Up until now I've been thinking maybe I'm trying to annoy Lauren, but i don't think it's that even. I was writing in Lucrezia'a about how no-one measures up toi him, and that is true. I know that on paper he sounds a nightmare. I know that he is beyond the pale int he things he has done.

I also know I love every atom of him, and I am 99.9% sure he feels the same way about me. I know we are right together - everything about us fits from our personalities to the way we look together - all our friends say they can't imagine either of us with anyone else. And then there's the sex. As I said to Sue the other day, I can't imagine never having Steve-sex again. And I know DAMN SURE he feels the same way.

So yes, I want him back. And I'm pretty sure I can have him back if I want him - he was trying to get me to say it all last week when he was here. But I'm not gonna rush and ruin it: Lauren isn't back from travelling for 5 weeks. He needs to sweat a bit whilst I reel him in. Yeah, fly fishing is a good image for me to keep in mind just now.

I am going to use the time to find out exactly how he feels about Lauren (subtly!), and what their relationship is about. Cos obviously if he loves her not me there's no point me messing about. But I don't think he does. Then again, if he loves me like he says he does, why did he mess about with Lauren?

From what he's said I think it happened because I said I was finishing with him. Again, this is so 'my brother' - he used to always take the path of least resistance. But I'm not sure. So that's where I'm at. Roll on Friday!!!
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8 Comments to I Want Him Back! (Don't Care what I have to do)

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- lucreziaborgia ^Pro
- 2008-07-01 @ 22:20:51
Dearest, at the cost of earning your hatred, let me be ignored by your loving heart: he will be trouble, and he will make you suffer. However, things must take their course and until you have lived it through you will not take any advice or indeed notice of anybody else blackening the picture.

The beauty of the blogging world is that very little judgement or criticism takes place; it is a free blackboard for all to write our own story.

We shall still be here to hold your virtual hand. In the meantime, use Steve a bit, love him a bit, but love yourself more.

xxLuxx
- - whoknows
  - 2008-07-02 @ 09:20:08
  Oh, as if I would get upset at someone trying to look out for me!
  
  I know you are right. I know all my IRL friends are right. I know on a head level that a lot of this is all unfinished stuff about my dead brother. But that doesn't change how I feel, and what I think I have to do.
  
  Sue says that the problem is that me and Steve are so right, but so wrong. If it was all wrong, then there wouldn't be a problem, because I would finish it. But each time I've done that he changes for a while and it goes back to being so right.
  
  Then there is the thing Collar was saying - both of us have lost our boundaries. We've ended up really dependent on eachother for a whole variety of reasons. And then there's the whole bloody Wuthering Heights thing. Literature has a lot to answer for.
  
  But while I feel like we are meant to be together, I can't let it go. Like Sue says, 'I know you'll finish with him one day - but not today.'
  
  I've been here before with my first proper boyfriend. And that's another reason this all feels so comfortable - I've been here before. He ended up dumped by me after I'd got him back and had him move in with me. But it took me six years to get there - only four and a half to go then.....
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- snowglassapples
- 2008-07-02 @ 11:31:42
You have to do what you have to do - it might not seem like the sensible option but you have to do it because it is eating away at you. When all is said and done, you won't be able to let it go until you are totally done with it.

Just look after yourself while you're doing it! x SGA
- - whoknows
  - 2008-07-02 @ 14:21:33
  It definitely isn't the sensible option, but I didn't get where I am today by being sensible!
  
  And on the whole I'm not in a bad place...
  
  And that's why I'm doing it, I won't be happy until I've given it my best shot
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- Collar
- 2008-07-02 @ 15:16:50
I've just come, as in arrived , from reading your costumes post.. phew!! So this is bound to sound dispassionate whatever I type.. lol.
I agree with what I think is running through your thinking that whereas we might seem to be (partly) helpless .. e.g. "you have to do what you have to do" you're still sound on the fact that you're in control and can make decisions.
It may sound dull ... I'm thinking about those uniforms again !.. but once the boundaries are drawn, and two people emerge.. that as well as knowing your wants and needs, you can really be clearer on what you are prepared to put up with... cos no partner is perfect, if they were, we would probably change that!
- - Collar
  - 2008-07-02 @ 15:21:06
  I apologise for my rudeness.
  - - whoknows
    - 2008-07-02 @ 18:18:22
    And no need for apologies, after all, that's the reaction they're SUPPOSED to have! ;-)
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- - whoknows
  - 2008-07-02 @ 18:16:32
  Haha, yes, on paper my husband was perfect - but he was SOOOOOO dull!
  
  My needs are actually pretty few really, I think part of the problem was that he was wanting more committment from me, and I wasn't about to get married or move in with him again, and he took that as meaning that there was no future for us. It's like he needs some evidence of my committment, when actually I always was completely committed to him.
  
  The rest I haven't decided. So that's something I need to think about, rather than just tunnel-visioning on the getting him back bit.
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