Steve phoned me about 3/4 hour ago for about half an hour, and it has been so much what I had been hoping for, but I am determined to read nothing into it whatsoever, despite the stupidity of my actions in jumping out of bed, punching the air and shouty-whispering, 'YES!!!' when I put the phone down. 
He first of all was talking about how he'd been on the bar tonight and it was so boring he'd only sold two drinks the whole time. I said I thought it was strange they didn't use an honesty bar system, being as how the hotel mostly caters to the elderly anyway. He then hatched this plan where we could go to Scotland (the only place I've had much experience with honesty bars) and spend a week getting drunk for free. I was laughing, and he was saying 'but you won't' and I said 'I know I won't, cause you wouldn't be coming.' He said we'd been away together before, lots of times (true). I said that was when he wasn't working at the hotel, where he didn't get weekends off. He said he could book time off. So I said I supposed so, but didn't say anything else.
He then told me that he has Friday and Saturday off, which is really good because my son's Grandmere can pick him up from school on Friday, so I get to get up there quite early, hopefully. He has to go to work at 10 on Sunday, but still. So I was feeling really good about that when he suddenly said, 'I really love you K'. It was so out of the blue I was a bit gobsmacked. 'You know I really love you too' I said. 'No you don't' he said. So I left it again and told him not to mess with his phone cause I was on speakerphone (his ordinary speaker thingy isn't working) and it's really noisy for me if he's fiddling about with it.
I told him about my sister phoning cause she'd forgotten my son's birthday today. Steve was asking what presents he'd had, and I told him, then said that Mum had given him holiday money. 'When's he on holiday?' said Steve. 'With me next week, then with his dad the week after, and the last week in August.'
'What about that holiday we were going on - are we still going?' said Steve. This was a 'Sun' break I'd booked for me, Steve and my son, way before this kicked off, but then his Dad wanted my son the same week, so I gave in and me and Steve were going to go alone instead.
'Yeah, that's still booked, so we can go if you want,' I said, sounding completely relaxed, because just like when I was in labour, the Panicky bit had gone into a soundproofed room to scream and fret and throw herself about, whilst the very Calm bit of me watched and supervised all that happened in my body from a little corner of my brain where the controls sit.
'What were you going to do, go on your own?' he said. 'No,' I said, thankful for a conversation I'd had with Sue a while ago. 'They never check the accommodation, so I asked Sue and Natalie if they wanted to pretend to be you and [my son]. But she's not got back to me, so she's probably not that interested. 'How would I get there?' he asked. 'It's a bit far for you to come and pick me up' (It's Wales). 'Well,' Calm said, 'it's a Monday to Friday, so if I'm in the Lakes that weekend, I could bring a week's worth of stuff and go Lakes to Wales to Lakes to home the weekend after.'
'Oh yeah, that makes sense,' he said. 'You'll have to bring the dates with you this Friday and I'll book it off.' Panicky throws herself around the room screaming and hollering, whilst Calm says, 'ok, I'll try and remember. You do know it's only Pontins though?'
'That doesn't matter,' he says.
Then I said I'd better let him get off to bed. 'Why, what are you doing now?' he asked. 'Nothing, I just thought you must be bored of talking to me by now.' 'Don't be stupid' he said, so we talked for ages longer, about all sorts of crap stuff, but which ended with us saying how much we love eachother and miss eachother, and this is all initiated by him. I make sure I end the conversation and put down the phone first though.
Calm and Panicky hug and, arms around eachother, jump up and down whilst I punch the air and whispery-shout 'YES!'
I have no idea what this means, and I have no intention of trying to work it out, or of entirely believing the holiday is ever going to happen. It's one day at a time for me, and I'm going to enjoy the rest of this one!
