Steve phoned me about 6 today and was on his way to Ambleside by bike. He was annoyed because his dealer still doesn't have anything, but might have something after 10pm, so he's going to hang out in Ambleside til then, and go to Windermere if he has anything. But his bike has no lights, so I'm a bit worried about that.
His Dad had phoned him to see how he was doing, and although he didn't let on I know he was pleased. He said that if it didn't work out where he was, Steve can stay with him in Wolverhampton, which is nice to know as well.
Reading back what I wrote about the weekend, it sounds like I had a horrioble time, but that isn't true. Most of the time was great and I know that I really do love him, even if he is an alcoholic, even if he is a heroin addict - which he's not quite, but could be. In a way, him being in the Lakes makes that easier because he can't be around my son. It's a lot like when we very first got together, and I'm trying to not think of the future too much. Because it feels so good right now.
There's no way to predict the future anyway though - with Steve you never know - he could suddenly decide to get clean at any minute. Or get totally addicted. I'm going to keep out of that bit of his life now though - Bank of K has closed its lines of credit. But the love that is between us, the connection we have, that's soemthing that doesn't come along every day of the week.
He doesn't know how to be happy. Most people look for things they enjoy and things that make them happy long-term, and do that. Steve looks to avoid pain short term, and that means he makes the wrong choices so far as happiness goes.
I know that at the moment I'm the only thing that makes him happy. But heroin and alcohol relieve the boredom and ease the pain. And they are always there and I'm not.
