He showed me all Lauren's texts last night - because he wanted to prove that she'd not finished with him, and he'd chosen me because he genuinely wanted me not her. He was telling the truth by the looks of it, although there are no texts from after the 17th July on there. What is there is all very much wanting him still.
I had underestimated how much it would hurt to read about another girl 'thinking about last night and this morning', and how she thinks 'sex with you is so good. I want it now.' Haha, Sienna thought that reading about some girl who wanted to snog her bloke was bad!
I have to remember that it was all one-sided in that way. He tries to make it better by making love to me, by saying she meant nothing, that she wasn't as beautiful as me, that they never connected the way we do, that they weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend so there's nothing to finish - because he hasn't finished with her, I got that much out of him. He then wanted to finish with her right there and then - at 2am when he was pissed. I stopped him, and he says he'll do it today. He's in bed ill though, threw up dramatically at 10am.
It also hurts that he's not kept any of my recent texts. Why has he kept hers and not mine?
He wants to marry me and I'm too scared to say no, too scared of losing him. At the same time, I thought I could do this. Now I'm not sure. It hurts so much.
My head is a mess and my eyes are so swollen from crying. When it's good, it is SOOOO good. But times like this, I don't know if my heart can ever be big enough to hold all the hurt.
