Last weekend I was away on a course loosely related to work, dealing with lots of physical, emotional and psychological stuff.

I learned many, many things, but possibly the most important was that in the 'Rescuer' scenario, there are always two rescuers, and no victim, not really. Just as in psychiatry we talk about 'the identified patient' (because so many mental illnesses are due to people's role in their family, society etc) when often those around them are far more dysfunctional and need help just as much.

As a (pretty accomplished I thought!) Rescuer myself, this was quite profound, especially as it took me four days and coming home to grasp the concept. Yes, I 'save' people. Buyt at the same time they 'save' me too. They give me a purpose. And most of all, they provide a power struggle.

We all crave those qualities we don't have. We don't realise that just being around someone who possesses those qualities means that they rub off on us, and vice versa. When we rescue we try to force our values and ways on another. We don't need to, we just need to be.

I've been struggling with the idea of control ever since Collared brought it up. I'm really trying to give up my need for control now, because I've had two big lessons in it this very week, on my return from the course.

The first concerns a fellow blogger, and I cannot go into it for respect of her, but those of you who know her and her situation will see how she isn't in need of rescuing any more and is 'out of control' (more like 'out-of-his control'). The second was walking back from school with a friend of my ex-husband. Ex is getting married this weekend, and the mate was saying he'd told him it was too soon after our split. Then he added, 'but he likes to feel in control, doesn't he... (laugh) well, I don't have to tell you that!'

Until that point, I hadn't thought of the Ex as controlling. But he was. He 'rescued' me, but then gradually everything that was me got lost in his ever-increasing control - and I never questioned it until I fell for someone else and realised that no, actually I wasn't happy.

Steve, for all that is wrong with him, has those qualities I used to have, and around him I feel 'myself'. I have qualities he certainly lacks. He'll get there without me trying to control him - since I eased off on his return from the Lakes he's stopped doing heroin and is cutting his methadone. I have to just love him and let him be.

Idon't need any other project than myself.