I'm finding myself in a bit of a moongoddess quandary. After last night I'm wondering if it's all just me being paranoid. I'm also aware that it is getting to be almost a year ago that he cheated, and in my mind I have a sort of evil countdown going on: 'this was when he went to the Lakes', 'this was when he first mentioned Ricky (heroin addict boyfriend of Lauren's Mum)', 'next week is when I think he got back on it,' 'the week after that is when LKauren started texting' - all that sort of crap.

On Wednesday night I was out with the girls from work. I made sure we went somewhere run by a friend of Steve's, so he could easily check that I was where I said I was, with the people I said I was with, because he is as bad as I am, but for no reason at all. He was still a bit arsey with me when I got back at the grand time of 10.30.

Last night he got home form work and said he might be going to a workmates leaving do - 'but I don't want to go, so unless Pete phones me I'm not going to bother.' I didn't really think anything of it, but then he started getting ready even though Pete hadn't phoned. I thought he was just doing it so he could get out quickly if Pete did phone, but then he got his coat on and started to say goodbye! I asked why he'd changed his mind, and he said he was going to see if Pete's car was outside the pub, and if it wasn't then he'd come back. I said, 'that's bollocks,. you're acting really suspiciously.'

'Stop it, you're being paranoid,' he said. Then, 'right, well I'll just go to the shop then come straight back, I can't be doing with all this.'

'No you won't, you'll just be going out to meet the new girlfriend, but now you'll be saying I'm suspicious and you can't get out, won't you?'

He threw his phone at me and stormed off, so I locked the door after him.

He was back within 15 minutes, unlike when he usually goes to the shop. He knocked on the back door, and had a bottle of wine for me, that I didn't want. It was one I liked though. I said he'd left his phone so I couldn't interrupt him with his floozy (I actually used that bloody word!). He got angry and said he hadn't been doing anything.

I sort of calmed down at this point, because I remembered that I don't like being like this. It's not me, I'm a trusting person, and I'm not a paranoid one. Beig with him is making me into someone I don't like. So I told him this and said I thought maybe it would be better for us both if we split up.

He grabbed me and threw me on the sofa, held my shoulders and shook me.

'So I love you, and you love me, but we're supposed to split up, is that it?'

I wasn't scared. 'That's it.' I pushed him off and got up. 'So you might as well go out, because there'll be arguments either way, and at least this way you can have a night out.'

He wouldn't go. I said I found this really suspicious too - 'the only reason you don't want to go now is because you've told your new girlfriend you're not going out.'

He got really angry again, and threw me back onto the sofa (ha, this is probably why I've got a bad neck this morning, come to think of it!) and had a little rant about how much he loved me and how I was driving him mad. Then he stormed off into the garden to smoke.

When he came back, he was really quiet, and calmly explained that he loved me and he didn't want us to split up. I said how could he put up with me being like this though? He said that it would get better in time, and he was happy to wait for however long it took.

So it was all fine in the end, and we had a really loving, beautiful night. I thought to myself that it was maybe just me.

Then last night I dreamed he was cheating on me with a girl I went to school with. I know this shouldn't make a difference, but I dreamed he was cheating a week or so before I first found the texts from Lauren, so it's meant I've felt uptight this morning, even though he's been his usual self. That's what I mean - last year I had no doubt he was acting strangely, though I didn't know the reason why. This year I wonder: is it him or is it me?