Steve turned up on time, and initially at least looked to be quite normal. He was very apologetic, saying all the things that always win me around. I stayed calm, but it was getting to me. He was looking so much better than recently. It started up all those thoughts in my head about maybe this time it will work out. We even kissed.

But then I saw his eyes droop - just for a second, but unmistakable. So I backed off, and we chatted and watched TV for a while. So just as Torchwood started it was clear enough that he'd been doing heroin before he came over. So I told him that nothing had changed, he was only ever going to be hurting me, and I'd rather just leave it now than go through another six weeks, six months or six years of hurt.

So then he lost the plot and started being really horrible, saying as many nasty things as he could think of, and then, laughably, shouting that, 'you're too possessive of me, I can't do anything, I can't breathe!' So I laughed and pointed out that I'd just told him I didn't want to be with him, and how could that possibly, in any way shape or form, be interpreted as being possessive? I then told him the fact he could talk such crap just went to prove that he was out of his tree on heroin and that it was destroying his life again, the same as it always does, and I don't want to be around to see it, and in fact don't care anyway (that bit wasn't true, but he was due some payback).

Then he started crying and holding on to me and saying he loved me and was sorry. I was just worn down by this point, fed up and wanted to watch Torchwood in peace, because I could see we were going nowhere. Finally he left, and has already phoned me once wanting to come around on Friday. I'd already told him there's no point. All his tools are in my back garden which is accessible via a gate. He can get them whenever he wants. Then I realised that Friday I go to the Ex-brother-in-law's funeral, and Small Child is being picked up from school by his Dad so I could stay at my Mum and Dad's, could even go clubbing with school mates who knew EBIL. So I might.

Can't decide though if that is just postponing the problem. Presumably the more I keep saying no, the quicker he'll get the message. Or is it better to just disappear? I'd prefer that, because I do find it draining, and I do find it hard to be firm with him because I do still care.

Time for bed. I've been reading the same book for about three weeks!