I think I feel worse today than I did on Monday and Tuesday. I'm not anxious, but I'm angry with myself that I let Steve get to me. I feel sort of doomed. Looking back, I can see that none of this is about me: he's not concerned with what I want, my feelings don't matter to him. All he cares about is himself - and he wants me for his own reasons, that's all he cares about.

I'm like a possession - why would he care about the feelings of a possession? He regards me as his and doesn't think I should have any more say in the matter than a chair or a lampshade. No wonder he gets so angry.

So it never would have worked. It would be like it has been for the last few months: fine until I opened my mouth to disagree with him and them him getting violent and angry with me, then storming off or hitting me when I wouldn't back down.

And the possessive thing - he's now a stuck record - his brain can't move on it's so addled. I never was the possessive one - apart from that one night when he very suspiciously suddenly wanted to got out. How possessive would he have been if I'd done to him what he's done to me? I'm not the one who wanted to live together, or get married. He's the one who'd phone every day to check up on me. It's all projection, that's what it is.

So, I think I will run away on Friday. I can't think of anything there's any point in saying.