tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-21:/Life after Steve - a gorgeous, alcoholic, heroin addict cheat who still calls and still lurks at the edges of the life I am trying to get on with.MokoFeed2009-11-21T11:37:16+01:00tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-20:/2009/11/20/lu-is-so-right-7419913/whoknows2009-11-20T14:08:56+01:002009-11-20T14:08:56+01:00 <p>Referring to her comments on my last post that is, cos sometimes her ideas are a bit mad <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>My sensible self has been saying pretty much the same thing all morning. There's a saying in therapy that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. I know in my heart that for the sake of my health and sanity I can't be with him - I have to stop now, because I can't take any more of what I'm getting.</p> <p>So I've spent all morning thinking, 'ooooh, I wonder if Steve's ok... should I call him?... should I go to the B and B?... I wonder if he's at work.... I wonder if Adam's seen him....' and then countering myself, 'HE'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY, HE'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY'</p> <p>Consequently am feeling better. I am going to limit me and my mate to an hour of moaning (that'll be mostly her,I'm far luckier then her at least!), and then we are going to get upbeat and have a great night.</p> <p>Avoiding men though - I am still in a four of swords place. I want to be with girls only. </p> <p>I really miss Sue, she is busy with Paul and her daughter, and I would love to go out with her, even though we've talked on the phone - and she's said the same as Lu, all the things I know so well. But we have nights out planned soon - 11th and 18th December. REALLY looking forward to that!</p> <p>And did I say I've made it up with Sam, Steve's sister? We got talking on Facebook and I told her all that had been going on. She's worried too, but she was also pointing out that we both have lots to look forward to - not least Xmas. She's right, I'm very lucky, especially as I have Small Child for the whole of Xmas Day, and my whole family are coming - including Little Sister, who an absolute scream - AND my niece's boyfriend is coming, I've not met him before, so it's exciting! </p> <p>So much to look forward to, so little need to spoil it.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/20/lu-is-so-right-7419913/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-20:/2009/11/20/doing-my-head-in-7418501/whoknows2009-11-20T09:41:35+01:002009-11-20T09:41:35+01:00 <p>So Wednesday night about half eleven I got this text (as written) from Steve:</p> <blockquote><p>I never, or wont 2 hurt u and i do love u still but my head's so fucked and i dont no y im pushin u away4 no reson i think iam losein my head love u 4ever</p></blockquote> <p>I replied that if he needed help he knows where I am, and then he texted a couple of time more to say he loved me then goodnight.</p> <p>Last night about half seven I phoned him to see if he was ok, but there was no reply, so I texted in case he didn't want to talk. Still no reply.</p> <p>I've had horrible nightmares about people being after him, and am worried that he's dead or in prison. I SOOOO want to text or phone again, but I know I mustn't, I must just go back to remembering that he could contact me if he wanted, and he is bound to be ok because he always is.</p> <p>Out tonight to commiserate with a friend. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/20/doing-my-head-in-7418501/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-16:/2009/11/16/forgot-7387224/whoknows2009-11-16T19:26:17+01:002009-11-16T19:26:17+01:00 <p>In all the aggrro of last week I forgot to blog a funny thing that happened last week.</p> <p>B (cute junior colleague) has regular trouble with his shoulder, and once again I'd said I'd take a look. I turned away from him to tidy the bed, and when I turned around he'd taken his top off <img src="/img/smilies/graybigeek.gif" alt="88|" class="middle" border="0"> That smiley is NO exaggeration - my eyes were out on stalks cos he is SO muscly. And yet skinny. OMG, the perfect physical specimen in my eyes.</p> <p>He MUST have noticed, cos he said, 'did you not need my top off then?'</p> <p>'Well, I don't usually, but I'll make an exception being as how you've already taken it off' (yes, that's what I said!!!)</p> <p>So I did a routine examination rather than my usual alternative one, with a bit of alternative chucked in at the end. All the while thinking, 'if I was twenty years younger.....'</p> <p>Thank Goddess he's not able to read minds!</p> <p>But I've treated him LOADS of times, he knows I don't need his top off, surely? HA now that is WAY wishful thinking on my part! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/16/forgot-7387224/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-16:/2009/11/16/having-a-bad-moment-7384986/whoknows2009-11-16T14:00:00+01:002009-11-16T14:00:00+01:00 <p>For some reason am feeling really panicky at the thought of Steve not being in my life again. I feel physically sick. but not like when he was with Lauren - then I felt like I had to do something. Now I feel like I REALLY mustn't do anything, just gotta ride with the waves of nausea.</p> <p>I have to let go and never grab hold again. This will pass, but the unhappiness of being with him never would. Until he found someone else and decided to end it anyway, which is bound to be how it would have gone. </p> <p>I'm going to be ok. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/16/having-a-bad-moment-7384986/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-15:/2009/11/15/haha-7380184/whoknows2009-11-15T21:32:56+01:002009-11-15T21:32:56+01:00 <p>Small Child's summary of the weekend's events:</p> <p>'You and Steve are like magnets - you attract then repulse'.</p> <p>But I've been passed through the solenoid of facing reality now. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/haha-7380184/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-15:/2009/11/15/coincidentally-7378586/whoknows2009-11-15T18:49:31+01:002009-11-15T18:49:31+01:00 <p>A friend of mine, well, a friend of my sister's that I've been in touch with a lot on facebook recently, just messaged me to say her boyfriend of 8 years has dumped her. Whilst she had flu (she's now getting better and able to get online).</p> <p>Very horrible. </p> <p>But also very coincidentally convenient for me, because it is really difficult getting out and about when all your mates are in partnerships. Takes weeks of preparation. But now I have a friend to go out with - yay!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/coincidentally-7378586/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-15:/2009/11/15/i-am-an-idiot-and-i-get-what-i-deserve-7378113/whoknows2009-11-15T17:39:37+01:002009-11-15T17:39:37+01:00 <p>In my defence, he knocked really early, about 7.30, and I opened the door without even thinking it would be Steve. But it was.</p> <p>I let him in and we didn't even really talk ahout the night before, we just went to get some beer, then came home. He fell asleep and I eventually said I was going to bed about 10pm. He came too, we just went to sleep. This morning he carried on sleeping while I listened to The Archers. Then he went home, saying he'd see me later.</p> <p>He came back about 2pm, watched tv until a few minutes ago when I told him to go. He didn't want to kiss me, talk to me, go out with me. Like I said last post, he doesn't make me happy. There was no point him being there, no point us being together.</p> <p>So that's that. This time I really am not answering the door or the phone or anything. There's no point. No point at all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/i-am-an-idiot-and-i-get-what-i-deserve-7378113/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-14:/2009/11/14/today-7373776/whoknows2009-11-14T20:03:57+01:002009-11-14T20:03:57+01:00 <p>I've been feeling pretty shitty all day with a sore throat and my chest is still hideous. Possibly the reason I'm not more upset or stressing or anxious is because I am too ill to be. </p> <p>I have been telling myself that whatever happens, I am not opening that door and not responding to ANY communication from Steve, because I am useless at being strong when he is near me, I always end up letting him back in somehow. So a complete break is the best thing.</p> <p>That is assuming he will try to contact me, which having been beaten with my shoe may not happen!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/today-7373776/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-14:/2009/11/14/as-a-result-of-last-night-7372225/whoknows2009-11-14T14:57:39+01:002009-11-14T14:57:39+01:00 <p>... a few things have become clear.</p> <p>Firstly, Steve is clearly no longer barred from that particular pub. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Secondly, he is incapable of making me happy, mainly because he can't be arsed to try. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>And finally, although it is very flattering to be texted endlessly by a ninteen year old boy, it is not necessarily my cup of tea <img src="/img/smilies/graybigeek.gif" alt="88|" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>So we went off to the pub Steve hates, but we didn't stay long as one of the girls is theoretically barred from there because she handed in her notice when they wanted her to work extra hours. It was tipping down with rain, so we went on to the next pub (a 'danger zone'), but I wasn't too worried as it was early, and Steve never gets his act together to go out until after 8pm. It was here that I got chatting to yet another 19 year old (what is it with these boys and me?), and I have to admit he was very cute, skinny but muscly, and desperately easily impressed by my chatty banter. They were heading off to the nearest city, so after one drink we went on to the 'barred' pub, for the rest of the evening. </p> <p>While we were there Steve appeared and came over. He was tipsy, but not drunk, and was acting really friendly. My friends seemed to think that I wanted to be alone with him (I didn't) so there then started a weird cat-and-mouse game where they'd walk off and leave us, then I'd follow them, then Steve would follow me, then they'd walk off again etc etc. My friends are very dim.</p> <p>He was trying to persuade me to go to a restaurant and talk 'about us'. I wasn't even hungry (I've got a chest infection). In the end my friends said I should go, get it all sorted out and so on, and by this time I'd had two more drinks so I thought they were probably right.</p> <p>We went to this lovely Italian place, but even as we got there things were going wrong. He started being really negative about everything - the wait for the table (it was HIS choice of restaurant), the food, the things I said, it was just horrible. Then he refused to leave a tip, so I ostentatiously vastly over-tipped.</p> <p>I came home and felt really awful. Then the door went, and it was him. He threw himself throught the door as I opened it, and pushed me onto the floor. I don't know what he was going to do, because I hit him with my shoe again - this time it was a Victorian-style platform, so not pointy like the boots, but heavy. I quite literally beat him out the door and told him to never come here again, to never text, to never even speak to me if he saw me in the street.</p> <p>Because it never can work and I see that now. I'm not even happy when I'm with him, because the only times he is him is when he's sober, and he is never going to stay sober. </p> <p>I went off to bed, and far from staying awake worrying as I have done in the past, I fell asleep really quickly and didn't wake til 10.30 this morning. When I came downstairs (again, unusually I hadn't taken my phone to bed with me 'in case he needed me'), I found the cute 19 year old had texted last night then this morning. Before I had my bath we were texting back and forth for a while, but I get the feeling he fancies some sort of Mrs Robinson sex fling which I'm not really up for. But I don't mind going out on a date with him, so we'll see what happens.</p> <p>I'm not really bothered. I'm kind of weirdly calm. Could do with seeing Sue to talk about it, but it's the weekend and she'll be busy with her partner. </p> <p>I'm feeling a bit tarot-card 4 of swords anyway - needing a time of withdrawal and retreat - off to lie on a tomb!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/as-a-result-of-last-night-7372225/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-13:/2009/11/13/off-out-tonight-7367529/whoknows2009-11-13T17:05:16+01:002009-11-13T17:05:16+01:00 <p>Feeling a bit of trepidation cos we were going to go to one of the nearby bigger towns, but the weather has meant we've changed to just going out here. So I've said we have to limit ourselves to two pubs - one Steve is barred from, the other he hates.</p> <p>I'll hide under my umbrella and run between them. Can't decide which would be worse - him seeing me and trying to talk to me, or me seeing him with someone else.</p> <p>My head says the latter would be far preferable, because then I might stop wondering what he's up to and get on with my life. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/13/off-out-tonight-7367529/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-12:/2009/11/12/guiness-world-record-day-7359679/whoknows2009-11-12T18:38:24+01:002009-11-12T18:38:24+01:00 <p>... and the new World Record for the Briefest Ever Reconciliation goes to Whoknows!!!</p> <p>Last night Steve came round, and I smelled the smell (despite him cleaning his teeth on entry), and he picked up his fags. Then we had a really nice hour or so together, before he said he had to go home because he was being picked up at 5am this morning. He had been dropping off a bit, but I'd put that down to possible heroin use. So off he went. I'd even said if he was really tired tonight, he shouldn't feel like he had to come over here if he wanted a sleep, and I'd said that anyway he never used to come here every day, and he shouldn't feel he had to, but he'd said not to be stupid (I hadn't thought I was being).</p> <p>He didn't phone to say he'd got home, so I phoned him to say goodnight about quarter to nine, cos I didn't want to wake him.</p> <p>It was obvious when he answered that he wasn't at home - I could hear road noise. He said he was 'having a smoke with Dean', who he'd 'bumped into' on the way home. Dean is a heroin addict. I said, 'no you're not, you're waiting for heroin, and you always intended to, and the story about a 5am pick up was a pure excuse.' He started to deny it, but then obviously realised there was no point and suddenly said, 'no, I tell you what, forget it.'</p> <p>'Yeah, that's definitely the best thing, let's forget it.' And I put the phone down to beat him to it. So that's that.</p> <p>No one can say I didn't try (or that I wasn't warned)!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/12/guiness-world-record-day-7359679/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-11:/2009/11/11/period-pains-7351059/whoknows2009-11-11T13:36:11+01:002009-11-11T13:36:11+01:00 <p>Am I alone in thinking that there's a mild sort of period pain that is a comforting feeling? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/11/period-pains-7351059/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-11:/2009/11/11/more-and-more-strangeness-7351046/whoknows2009-11-11T13:34:41+01:002009-11-11T13:34:41+01:00 <p>I was just cleaning the kitchen and I saw Steve's cigarettes on the side with his lighter. It was a practically full pack. He's left his cigarettes here. He only lives a few minutes walk away, usually if he'd forgotten them he'd have popped back for them. Not that he'd ever forget a full pack of fags, he'd usually be smoking one on the way home, especially if he'd not smoked for a few hours beforehand.</p> <p>All very strange. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/11/more-and-more-strangeness-7351046/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-10:/2009/11/11/spookily-detoxed-7348159/whoknows2009-11-11T00:04:07+01:002009-11-11T00:04:07+01:00 <p>Right, I have no clue what Steve is up to here.</p> <p>A few hours after I'd finished writing on Sunday, he turned up here off his head on heroin. Obviously, I was really upset, I said it was ridiculous, there was no way we could be together when he was like this and he'd have to go, right away. Unfortunately he was in no fit state to even walk, so he slept here, but he woke me in the night to say he was really sorry, and he had various excuses as to why he'd done it, but he wasn't going to do it again.</p> <p>Well, one last chance wouldn't hurt I supposed. We talked about how we can't carry on the way things were before, and I am going to have to trust him and he is going to have to stop doing heroin.</p> <p>Since then he's been here both evenings, and although I thought I could smell heroin on his breath (it has a strange distinctive smell) on Monday, he didn't seem to be on it otherwise. It may have just been it getting out of his system from before. He didn't drink. He didn't smoke.</p> <p>Tonight he came around, and seemed completely sober, like he is in the mornings, quiet and gentle. He drank less than half a can of Kronenburg all night. He didn't smoke. </p> <p>What the HELL is going on? Even when he has no money he drinks, and smokes roll-ups. This is very unlike him, and frankly is making me nervous. Don't get me wrong, we've had two really lovely evenings, like when we were first together. But why isn't he smoking? Why isn't he drinking? I never said anything about either of those things, and he's always said he'd never stop smoking. </p> <p>All very strange.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/11/spookily-detoxed-7348159/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-08:/2009/11/08/i-just-can-t-leave-well-alone-7333711/whoknows2009-11-08T21:48:32+01:002009-11-08T21:48:32+01:00 <p>So last night went pretty much to plan once my madness was over - until 2.30am.</p> <p>I went to bed soon after X-Factor, about 10pm, cos I'd had a bad night on Friday and was very tired, so I must have gone to sleep soon after, just read for a little while. Then at about 2.15 I was woken by people walking home. I was lying there thinking about the phone call again (my brain is nothing if not tedious)when I heard footsteps coming towards the house. In my head I actually thought, 'that's not Steve cos it sounds like girls' shoes', but then the feet came down my gravel drive, and I heard banging on the door. That could only be Steve.</p> <p>I answered co he sounded fairly with it for him. I thought he might need money or something. Then he started telling me about how he'd been chatted up by some 19 year-old girl and he could have gone back to Cannock with her. I told him there were still taxis running. He said that wasn't the point, that all the time he'd been thinking of me, and how she wasn't me, and how he loved me.</p> <p>So long story short, he stayed the rest of the night. No physical stuff, just to sleep. And partly because I couldn't get rid of him.</p> <p>Then this afternoon he came back again. He agreed that we had not been working before, but he wouldn't accept any of the blame for that, just made out it was all my fault. We had a REALLY long talk (all afternoon), where in the end I said I hadn't been happy the way things were, that heroin changed him too much, that I'd rather stay split than carry on the way we were. </p> <p>He said he wanted us to give it one more go. And I've said I will. When he'd left I sat and cried and cried and cried. I have no idea why. I could still cry now.</p> <p>I feel like I've opened the door to more heartache. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/i-just-can-t-leave-well-alone-7333711/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-07:/2009/11/07/update-7327406/whoknows2009-11-07T20:09:36+01:002009-11-07T20:09:36+01:00 <p>Well, it's too late to make the reservation now, so I sha;ll relax and eat chips <img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/07/update-7327406/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-07:/2009/11/07/trying-to-stay-strong-7327082/whoknows2009-11-07T19:03:24+01:002009-11-07T19:05:40+01:00 <p>It's actually been a pretty good week after Hallowe'en - which only got worse. </p> <p>I went to bed pretty early, and so woke up about 1am. I was reading when there was a knock at the door, at about 1.30. There were still loads of people around, lots of noise, so I thought it was someone messing about. Then it happened again, and someone was throwing stones at my window.</p> <p>I went downstairs and asked through the door who it was. It was Steve. I wasn't going to open the door, because he sounded completely shit-faced, but in the end I did, because I was worried.</p> <p>I needn't have been worried, he was a complete nightmare to get rid of. Completely off his head on heroin, I could tell from the stupid voice he had on. But get rid of him I did, even though because I was feeling so low in general I might have been tempted to let him stay if he'd been slightly less out of it.</p> <p>So this week I had a my traditional firework party. Steve had been phoning up saying he'd get me cheap fireworks, but I've learned not to trust him so I ignored him and sorted it out myself. We all had a fantastic time and I've still got a fridge full of food and booze, which is a result as far as I'm concerned!</p> <p>Tonight Small child has gone to his Dad's just for an overnight, as they are having a firework party. Off he went about 4pm. Then about 5pm the house phone rang - and when I picked it up it was this song - Sheepskin Tearaway by Babyshambles:</p> <blockquote><p>She opened her heart to a tearaway, a sheepskin tearaway<br> He was covered in scars and full of heroin<br> Everyone said from the start, not one single thing could ever be okay<br> She didn't listen anyway<br> She just opened her heart, and threw her cares away<br> At night they held on so tight in the dark, he brushed her hair away<br> She heard him say: "All my life I've been fighting and making the best of a very bad lot indeed..."</p> <p>All your fighting got you nowhere<br> If nowhere's here with you on my skin<br> And you could fight forever but if you killed them all you'd never win<br> So give me your surrender, there are other ways to kill the pain<br> that stuff'll never mend you<br> It's like trying to dry your eyes in the pouring rain.</p> <p>She opened her heart to a tearaway, a sheepskin tearaway<br> All covered in scars and full of heroin<br> Tearaway, a sheepskin tearaway... </p></blockquote> <p>I know he always thought that song really related to our situation, but why phone me to play it? He didn't speak, but obviously it was him. I phoned him, but he didn't answer, so I didn't do anything else.</p> <p>Then I remembered that AGES ago, just before we finished, he'd talked about booking a meal at a posh restaurant for this weekend - we were going to have this meal then go to the big local bonfire to watch the fireworks afterwards, because I wanted to do more romantic things, and this was one of the ones we talked about. So I'm wondering is he still thinking we're going? Can't be, surely? </p> <p>So why am I sitting here in full make-up? Only wearing my dressing gown though, so I can slob out and drink wine and watch Harry Hill and X-Factor, which was my plan before the weird phone call. </p> <p>Then there's always the worry that he's going to hurt himself - but there is no way I'm going round to his, so all I'm doing is writing this down to get the whole stupid thing out of my head so I can forget it and watch telly.</p> <p>And I do feel better for writing it down - the whole thought seems totally ludicrous and I have no idea what I was thinking - he phoned and played the track because he is a junky and they do inexplicable things! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/07/trying-to-stay-strong-7327082/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-10-31:/2009/10/31/it-s-hallowe-en-7282361/whoknows2009-10-31T20:28:06+01:002009-10-31T20:28:06+01:00 <p>It's Halloween, and I'm alone with nowhere to go. Small Child is with his dad after I had him for a holiday for a week. I miss him so much. No trick or treating for me this year. I went out to the shops to buy myselfa new purse and some stuff from Lush to cheer myself up. All the pubs are decorated, and coming home I could see people dressed up to go out, all with someone. That isn't me any more.</p> <p>And all my friends are with their other halves tonight, I can't impose on them. Should have thought and organised something earlier I suppose. So I'm all alone, and lonely for the first time. I love Halloween, it's one of my favourite nights out. It's not Steve I miss so much - he probably wouldn't have wanted to go out anyway - it's being able to have loads of friends to go out with. Everyone is busy except me. </p> <p>At least at Christmas I'll have Small Child - the ex doesn't want him for some reason. Feeling really down - I think it's worse because I had such a nice holiday. Am crying as I write this, because I feel so alone. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/10/31/it-s-hallowe-en-7282361/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-10-14:/2009/10/14/omg-7166665/whoknows2009-10-14T10:49:54+02:002009-10-14T10:49:54+02:00 <p>Just popped the TV on while I was writing. Have you SEEN that low fat cheese ad???!!!!!! The one with the mouse and all the mousetraps!!! My heart is still in my mouth, SOOOOO heart-stopping!</p> <p>YAY FOR THE MOUSE!!!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/10/14/omg-7166665/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-10-14:/2009/10/14/acceptance-7166640/whoknows2009-10-14T10:44:51+02:002009-10-14T10:44:51+02:00 <p>Put on the TV and there was news of a Bob Dylan Christmas album.</p> <p>'Steven would have loved that,' I thought. Then I pulled up short - it was the first time that had happened. Always before when there's been Bob Dylan news I've thought, 'must tell Steven that.' </p> <p>Even the least conscious parts of me must now know my brother is dead. There's something a bit sad about that. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/10/14/acceptance-7166640/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-10-11:/2009/10/11/not-lonely-just-alone-7148347/whoknows2009-10-11T19:57:09+02:002009-10-11T19:57:09+02:00 <p>I've been keeping busy the last few weekends, but this weekend I didn't.</p> <p>I'd forgotten what it is like to be alone for a whole weekend. I'd forgotten the things I like about it. To wake up on Saturday morning with the house perfectly tidy. To be able to read two Saturday papers, then watch two DVDs then go to bed and read a book.</p> <p>To wake up on Sunday and the house is STILL perfectly clean and tidy. To potter around in the garden, then watch two more DVDs, then catch up on Facebook and blogs. Then Small Child comes home.</p> <p>He doesn't like sport, 'but I don't mind fielding in rounders or cricket. You just stand around and think things.'</p> <p>This is right up there with his query last week about how he could get a girlfriend.</p> <p>'I thought you didn't like girls?'</p> <p>'I don't, but you need a girl to have a baby, so I've got to really. I thought I might get a French girlfriend. I hear they cook a really good seafood platter.' </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/10/11/not-lonely-just-alone-7148347/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-10-04:/2009/10/04/not-stalking-facebook-or-otherwise-7098381/whoknows2009-10-04T20:21:07+02:002009-10-04T20:21:07+02:00 <p>I was quite surprised that those who responded to my last post were urging me to go for it with B! I'd expected a damn good telling off for even thinking about it. I've not done anything - not because of his age, but because of him having a girlfriend (or 'girlfiend' as I typed in the last post - too bloody right!) and me working with him. And because it wouldn't be fair - not only am I older, but I am SOOOOO much wiser. Like a teacher dating a pupil or something.</p> <p>I think that's how he sees me anyway - he'd probably be horrified I even considered his interest to be anything else. All the problem discussions and stuff - I'm like a Mum. His Mum is only a couple of years older than me - though he had the grace to say I look a lot younger!</p> <p>The girls from work went for a night out on Thursday. Very enlightening. They all think that the blokes we work with (B and S - J is married to my boss so we didn't discuss him!) are completely downtrodden by their girlfriends and are under the thumb and too domesticated for their age (they're 22 and 23). I've never met either of these girls, but the others have (I only do one clinic day, the rest I'm in residential, hydro, day centre or college). They were saying I'll see them at the works Xmas Party, because partners are going. So that will be interesting.</p> <p>So, just the usual tedium this end. Did I tell you I'm engaged? No? Now THERE's a story! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/10/04/not-stalking-facebook-or-otherwise-7098381/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-09-30:/2009/09/30/inappropriate-7068028/whoknows2009-09-30T11:21:55+02:002009-09-30T11:21:55+02:00 <p>Remember B - newish qualified, into all the evidence-based practice, good-looking and skinny (good) but driven, intense and over-enthusiastic (bad), and obviously WAAAAY too young for me?</p> <p>He's a really good colleague, we get on well. He's recently been telling me all these problems he's having with his girlfiend and asking advice and stuff. Then yesterday I did a training session for all of us, and at the end he was following me around and asking questions, mainly to do with it's relationship to his girlfriend's problems. He gave me his email and asked me to send him the powerpoint presentation, which I did. </p> <p>I am SOOOOOOO tempted to Facebook stalk him. It is an entirely inappropriate urge. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/09/30/inappropriate-7068028/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-09-11:/2009/09/11/cannibalism-6942415/whoknows2009-09-11T13:57:50+02:002009-09-11T13:57:50+02:00 <p>Last night when I got back from work, Pope Benedict XVI (he's a fish) was stuck behind the filter. He often does this, so I went to free him and EURGGGH! He was dead. And not just dead, his tail and fins had been eaten off!</p> <p>I looked suspiciously at Mirror Carp, who looked belligerently back at me and started leaping out of the tank because he wanted food. Baby Baby Cyril's fancy tail looked a little bit tatty at the end. </p> <p>I fished (hehe) out PBXVI and put him in the dustbin, pondering that he was an old fish and had been swimming sideways for about a year now. He'd probably died and Mirror Carp had eaten him, accidentally nibbling Baby Baby Cyril in a feeding frenzy. Mirror Carp used to be tiny until Ripples (the Tank Daddy, a massive thin fish who swam fast) died three or four months ago. Now he has tripled in size at least.</p> <p>This morning I came down to find Baby Baby Cyril behind the filter. In trepidation I freed her. Half her fancy tail was gone.</p> <p>So I got Mirror Carp out into a bucket (no tank water for him, let him suffer in tap water), and after Small Child had gone to school I took him back to the Fish Supermarket.</p> <p>'I bought this fish from you three years ago and he's turned cannibal. D'you want him back?'</p> <p>They did. He is now a small fish in a big pond.</p> <p>Baby Baby Cyril is a tiny fish in a huge tank. I'll buy some friends when she has recovered.</p> <p>It was a bit early for a glass of wine, so I bought a pair of high-heel Victorian lace-ups from New Look to calm my nerves.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/09/11/cannibalism-6942415/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-09-11:/2009/09/11/the-unbelievable-night-6941798/whoknows2009-09-11T12:10:58+02:002009-09-11T12:10:58+02:00 <p>Ok, so I'm finally at a far enough distance to write about what happened.</p> <p>As you know, last thing was that Steve was being lovely, being really nice to me and making me wonder if maybe he really had changed.</p> <p>That Friday he bought round a 'chiminiere' - it was a rubbish bin on legs! He also dumped loads of wood on my patio to burn in it. We sat outside until after dark by the fire, it was all going really well. Then he said he wanted to come on holiday with me and Small Child - we were going the next weekend. </p> <p>I said no he couldn't, because we weren't in that place any more. He ranted and raved about how he still loved me, then stormed off. I finished the bottle of wine then went to bed.</p> <p>About midnight he phoned on the house phone and said he'd overdosed on his methadone, and paracetamol. Now if only I'd been sober I'd have realised he couldn't have done it as his pick up is Saturday so he'd only have one bottle anyway. Or I'd have just phoned for an ambulance. As it was, I didn't really think, and just threw on some clothes and went round to the B and B he lives in.</p> <p>He let me in, then locked the door behind me and kicked me onto the bed. He ripped off my clothes and put them on top of the wardrobe. Then he grabbed my hair and banged my head on the wall time and time again, pulling my hair out by the roots into the bargain. I was trying to fight him off, and it ended up with me pushed in a corner of the bed trying to fend him off as he hit me, he was biting my arms and face as I tried to push him away or hit him back. </p> <p>He said he was going to kill me and I believed him. I screamed and screamed, but no one came (he's on the second floor of an annex, but his window faces the road). In the end I gave up struggling and just protected my head. </p> <p>Eventually he passed out - I think he'd taken diazepam rather than methadone. I got my clothes back, got the key and legged it. By the time I got home it was 3 am.</p> <p>I still can't believe it happened. Being held hostage? It only happens in films doesn't it? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/09/11/the-unbelievable-night-6941798/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-09-02:/2009/09/02/what-s-lard-6872602/whoknows2009-09-02T07:23:22+02:002009-09-02T07:24:50+02:00 <p>Was watching 'Bottom' with Small Child (yup, completely unsuitable, but Father Xmas brought him the boxed set), and they mentioned lard.</p> <p>'Mummy, what's lard?' he asked. </p> <p>I explained it was fat. Not nice milky fat like butter, just white fat out of meat, that you use for cooking things in. Being fairly slovenly about such things, I showed him the fat in the bottom of the grill pan from doing bacon. Pretty lardyish. </p> <p>'Yuk.'</p> <p>'That's nothing, when I was little we used to have dripping, which was the fat from the beef left in the fridge to solidify so it went lardyish on the top and brown jellyish on the bottom, and then Nanny would make us sandwiches with it, and we'd fight over who had most of the jellyish stuff.'</p> <p>He looked horrified.</p> <p>'I would NEVER have thought Nanny could be so CRUEL!'</p> <p>The Seventies are Another Country. It feels strange that my stories of childhood are as alien to him as Mum's tales of The War were to me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/09/02/what-s-lard-6872602/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-09-01:/2009/09/01/a-little-story-for-brokendownangel-6865465/whoknows2009-09-01T07:30:39+02:002009-09-01T07:30:39+02:00 <p>A friend of mine once trekked to Everest base camp, she was on the medic staff for the Everest marathon.</p> <p>On the way she was enchanted by the water streams. How wonderful to be able to drink from a crystal clear source! She took the opportunity to do this on all occasions, and each time would rhapsodise about how much more healthy it was than manky chlorinated British tap water.</p> <p>Higher up the trail they discovered a dead sheep in the stream. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/09/01/a-little-story-for-brokendownangel-6865465/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-08-31:/2009/08/31/my-life-according-to-the-smiths-6859749/whoknows2009-08-31T12:55:06+02:002009-08-31T12:55:06+02:00 <p>This is a meme I found at brokendownangel's:</p> <p>Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer the following questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. Repost as "my life according to (band/musician name)"</p> <p>Pick your Artist:<br> The Smiths</p> <p>Are you a male or female?<br> Girl Afraid</p> <p>Describe yourself:<br> Girlfriend in a Coma</p> <p>How do you feel?<br> Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now</p> <p>Describe where you currently live:<br> Cemetary Gates</p> <p>If you could go anywhere, where would you go?<br> Nowhere Fast</p> <p>Your favorite form of transportation:<br> What Difference Does It Make?</p> <p>Your best friend is:<br> Shakespeare's Sister</p> <p>What's the weather like?<br> There is a Light that Never Goes out (yup, tenuous, but the best I can do!)</p> <p>Favorite time of day:<br> How Soon is Now?</p> <p>If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?<br> I Started Something I Couldn't Finish (Really Wanted 'Strangeways Here We Come' but that's an album title)</p> <p>What is life to you?<br> I Want the One I Can't Have</p> <p>Your fear:<br> Panic</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/08/31/my-life-according-to-the-smiths-6859749/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-08-28:/2009/08/28/how-6843129/whoknows2009-08-28T18:39:39+02:002009-08-28T18:39:39+02:00 <p>Went for my blood test (they have to regularly check my hormones for my weird hormone thing and thyroid) and my right elbow vein has tissued (I think it means collapsed in some way or something - gone hard, they can't get the needle in). The left one is still not working either. She went to try my left hand.</p> <p>'I'd try the right if I were you - the left one went with my venflon when I was giving birth'. Finally she got a vein on the side of my wrist.</p> <p>Now if this is what happens after a few blood withdrawals a few months apart, how the hell do heroin addicts manage?</p> <p>I asked Steve. He looked at my arm and said, 'I'd get blood from you no problem,' and proceeded to show me many and various veins he'd try. 'And I wouldn't make that mess either,' he commented, since the try at the elbow and the wrist had left bruises. </p> <p>They really should have the experts rather than the nurses doing this blood malarky. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/08/28/how-6843129/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:virtueorsin.blog.co.uk,2009-08-26:/2009/08/26/just-good-friends-6827211/whoknows2009-08-26T17:12:31+02:002009-08-26T17:12:31+02:00 <p>So I bet you are all thinking Steve's long gone?</p> <p>Well, not really. We are sort of, well, I suppose, friends. He's a better friend than he ever was a boyfriend. </p> <p>He sorted out the car battery. When someone keyed the passenger door, he used some man-stuff to erase the marks. He took away all the cuttings from my hedgetrimming adventures, when I didn't know what to do with the pile of wood and leaves covering my lawn. He takes me for drinks at the weekends. He bought my mum a fridge magnet. Nothing is ever my fault any more, and he is almost always sober when I see him.</p> <p>Yesterday I had terrible period pains by the time I left work. Small Child went to bed early, luckily, and I was lying on the sofa feeling really sorry for myself. Steve had phoned earlier, and he turned up with a bag of stuff from Lush to cheer me up. He made me tea and more painkillers then distracted me from the pain by chatting until it the painkillers kicked in. He told me not to worry about being stupidly overemotional and to just cry, then brought in the tissue because my mascara always hurts my eyes when it runs.</p> <p>But can we stay friends when I still fancy the pants off him and the last thing he says when we part is, 'I'll always want you back'?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://virtueorsin.blog.co.uk/2009/08/26/just-good-friends-6827211/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>